The day has finally arrived. It only took seven seasons, eight kings, two queens and around 160,000 deaths, but at long last ice and fire meet in the Queen’s Justice. Before we go any further remember…
WARNING: This post is dark and full of spoilers…
Euron then You’re Off Again!
The Pirate King himself saunters into King’s Landing, bringing with him a priceless gift for the Mad Queen; Ellaria and Tyene Sand, the very two who murdered her daughter Myrcella. Well, as engagement presents go, it certainly is unique, and of course befitting the pair. Euron managed to swagger in, get engaged to the ruler of the six kingdoms, insult Jaime and ask him what Cersei’s like in bed. Then he got to ride off victorious, with his niece in tow, who just so happens to be chained by the neck like an unruly dog. I really don’t want to see what weird justice he has in store for her back on Pike.
Dungeons Not Dragons
Just when you thought Cersei’s torture skill had peaked with having her pet zombie habitually rape a nun, she manages to reach another level of horror, this time plucked from her very own nightmares. Just as Cersei imagined her decomposing family members, Ellaria will be forced to watch her daughter’s “beautiful face collapse to bone“, but only after Cersei seals Tyene’s fate with a kiss…. the same poisoned kiss that ended Myrcella’s life. The Queen has her justice, which supercharges her libido, resulting in her ascending Jaime’s throne, if you know what I mean.
A Song of Ice and Fire
Jon Snow, a man who needs no introduction, apparently, finally meets the woman with more names than we know what to do with: Daenerys Targaeryan. Needless to say, the meeting was frosty, but they warmed up in the end. BADOOMSH. Jon tried to tell Dany about the army of the dead, something that the Silver Queen could not wrap her head around. Yes of course, surviving fire, riding dragons and blood magic curses are fine, but an undead army crosses the line?
The King in the North gets all broody on a mountain, like some kind of musky cologne commercial, only to be interrupted by Tyrion, who instead offers something a bit more tangible, otherwise known as Dragonglass. Or as we like to call, the illustrious MacGuffin!
Dany and Jon argued a bit over bending the knee and who’s father killed who, truth, justice and the Westerosi way! Which in fairness is more common in Westeros than anywhere else. This ended with Dany throwing around that she was the last Targaeryan. Oh what little she knows.
A Bran New Outlook
Yet another Stark returns to Winterfell, no not the good one, just Bran, oh and he has gotten exceptionally creepy since last season. Upon his arrival to his ancestral home, his sister Sansa is overcome with emotion and hugs the motionless, dead-eyed Bran. They sit under Bran’s drug of choice, the Weirwood tree, which is kind of sweet, they’re chatting in the snow, which leads to the little Lord confusing the hell out of his sister.
He explains that he’s the three-eyed raven and as such, is no longer in line to rule the North, he tells her that he sees everything and how beautiful she looked in her white wedding dress, when she was raped by her husband and abuser, Ramsay Bolton. You know, just fun brother and sister chats.
A bloody battle was teased, narrated by Tyrion Lannister’s dulcet tones. We’re led to believe that the Unsullied die at the hands of the Lannister soldiers, as Casterly Rock is impregnable, except for Tyrion’s ‘whore tunnel’ in the sewers. We then see a remarkably easy takeover of the castle, which is barely manned. Grey Worm knows something is up, and turns to see the Ironborn destroy their ships as he desperately asks where the real soldiers are.
The Queen’s Justice
Turns out the real soldiers, led by Ser Jaime, are in fact marching on Highgarden, the place with all the food. In what was probably the simplest battle Jaime has had to face in a long time, he skips past the bodies of Tyrell soldiers that are strewn everywhere. He makes his way to the Queen of Thorns, Lady Olenna, who is just waiting on him to arrive.
Resigned to her fate, she has a frank discussion with Jamie (as if she ever has any other kind). She tells Jaime that Cersei will destroy him, a fact that he knows, and yet he succumbs to her. Jaime convinced his sister/lover to spare Olenna from an embarrassing or agonising death, instead allowing Olenna to drink a painless poison.
She drinks it alright; she downs the draught, resigned to death, but she has one last revelation for the Lannisters. She straight up tells Jaime that she murdered Joffrey. Not only that, but Olenna killed him to protect her family, and wants Cersei to know it.
So now Jaime has to return home and tell Cersei that he let the murderer of their first-born son have a relatively pleasant death. Looks like you’re going to be on the couch for a while buster!
So Many Throwbacks This Week
- Cersei met a total banker, while channeling her father.
- Euron Greyjoy cantered into the Red Keep, not unlike Tywin did at the Battle of Blackwater.
- Dany tried to distance herself from the Mad King.
- Bran’s hanging out by the Weirwood, like his father used to.
- Sam continued with menial tasks after saving Jorah’s life.
- Jon dressed a lot like Ned, like almost cosplayed.
- Tyrion gave Jon eerily similar advice to their first meeting at the wall.
- Melisandre has to die in Westeros, Maybe she’ll die returning GENDRY TO THE BLOODY SHORE!?
- Littlefinger flinched when he discovered that Maester Luwin kept every single Raven scroll that came to Winterfell.
- Seriously Gendry, where are you?