Da da da da da da da! Strictly Come Dancing, the glitziest, campest show on television, is back!

The launch show bursts onto our screens with a glamorous red carpet, lots of excitement and of course incredible dancing. This flicks to the studio in a ‘seamless’ flash, with an amazing starting performance from our professionals while the celebs just stand and watch.

The judges come on, including new head judge Shirley Ballas. Tess asks Shirley if the others are treating her well, and Craig shouts over her. The celebs are introduced and it’s the usual line up, a couple of soap stars, pop stars, a TV chef, athough mysteriously no politician this yeah… I suppose we’ve got something to thank Ed Balls for.

There will be no dances this week as the couples haven’t been paired up yet — that’s why we’re here! First up is soap star Gemma Atkinson, who is paired with Aljaz. Tess is excited as he’s a winner, though a quick Google reminds me it was with Abbey ‘drunk duck’ Clancey. Most obscure title goes to ‘entertainer and radio presenter’ Debbie McGee, who we expect to get Anton but *shock* it’s Giovanni! I’m obviously very excited for yearly Giovanni sex rumours to start. The first of two Holby City stars, the beyond excited Chizzy, of course gets paired with Pasha. The last of the first four Ruth ‘saint for putting up with Eammon’ Langsford starts by making a menopause joke, then promptly offers to rub up against all of the male professionals. Same, hun. She launches herself at Anton who doesn’t care about hard work, we know mate.

New head judge Shirley twirls around Blackpool Tower and tells us that she’s seen everything and nothing surprises her, but she’s looking forward to the surprises… okay love. This season we have three new female professionals, who are introduced through an elaborate number that’s lost on me because all the men are wearing braces. That is until they burst on and I am utterly mesmerised by gorgeous redhead Dianne.

The first of our male celebs is the one that backflipped all over the shop from JLS, who gets paired with the just as lively Jeanette, and secures his place as this year’s annoying Peter Andre. We also have our first man of the cloth, the Reverend Richard Coles, and amidst about 700 religion puns he gets sexy new girl Dianne. Eastenders contingent Davood’s first appearance is a naked VT so everyone’s happy, and TV chef Simon Rimmer says he likes having the control taken away from him, oo-er. Davood fuels the Strictly Curse rumour mill by giving his gorgeous partner Nadia a lingering hug, and Simon gets top bants girl Karen Clifton.

Musical interlude as Shania Twain performs her new song, and you can almost hear the audience shouting “do ‘Man I Feel Like a Woman’!” We take a moment to remember the sad passing of Sir Bruce Forsyth in a beautiful tribute with many memories (including Len with hair!) and a lovely dance number. We’re all already a mess at this point, but then Tess comes back on crying and there’s no hope.

Good Morning Britain presenter Charlotte Dawson actually gives us a “who is this woman?” jokes, and shocks nobody by getting smug git Brendan. Mollie from The Saturdays meanwhile gets cute little foetus AJ. Alexandra Burke is boring me already, she gets Gorka. And then the most anticipated celeb at Nopebook HQ, Susan Calman is finally here! We are so looking forward to seeing what one of our favourite comediennes does. She is paired with precious baby Kevin from Grimsby, and she bursts into tears admitting she’s obsessed with him. Same, hun.

Another musical interlude while Rita Ora does something, and then a sneak peek of the group number. We get a terrifying vision of what Debbie and Foetus AJ would’ve been like while Johnnie finds out they’re dancing to Footloose and adorably loses it.

The final men are up, and I discover that we’ll be paying a lot of attention to Holby City’s Joe Mcfadden’s bum. He’s paired with Katya, who quite frankly deserves the trophy now after all her time as ‘comedy act’ last year (thanks Ed Balls). Paralympian Johnnie Peacock secures his place as Dark Horse with my boyfriend’s crush Oti. Then bringing up the rear we have the incredible Brian Conley. As we’re all friends here I will openly admit that I have had a crush on him since I was 4 years old, so I am waiting on tenter hooks to see what him and new girl Amy bring.

The show is rounded off with the celebs first dance and y’know what? They’re all looking decent! There’s definitely a few with potential, but I guess we’ll see for sure when the show is back in 2 weeks.

Until then, keeeeeep dancing (I’ve always wanted to say that)…

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