Clean Sheets, a Plate of Toast, and a Very Naked Man

This is the story of a girl who just wanted to enjoy her clean bedsheets and a plate of toast.

The night began like any other. I was on a night out with my friends at university, so of course this meant I spent the evening gradually losing them one by one. I found my friend Jack, who lived further up my street, so we decided to walk home at the end of the night. I spent the walk home mentally rewarding myself for the clean sheets I’d thoughtfully put on my bed before I went out and also developing a growing craving for toast.

I’d been in my kitchen for about two minutes when I heard a knock on the door. Expecting Jack had forgotten something and in the fearless attitude being drunk at 3am gives you, I threw open the door and was surprised to see Chris standing in the doorway instead. Chris was a friend of a friend I barely knew, but at pre-drinks earlier we had realised we both liked the same YouTube channel. Apparently Chris had decided that we hadn’t covered that in enough detail yet.

I can’t remember the excuse he had for showing up at my door at 3am, but I do remember the hour he spent in my kitchen making me search for various videos on my phone that I had already seen so he could explain how funny they were to me. It was 4am. I just wanted my toast.

I finally got him to leave, made my highly anticipated toast and climbed the stairs to my room. I couldn’t wait to eat my snack, get under my nice clean sheets and forget all about the last hour of my life. I walked into my room, switched on my bedroom light and froze.

There was a man I had never seen before asleep in my bed.

How did I react? I switched the light off and took myself and my plate of toast back into the hallway.

I stood there for a minute in disbelief. At first I was just confused, why would someone break in to my house just to fall asleep? Eventually my logical thinking overrode my drunken thoughts to allow me to come to the conclusion that the sleeping bearded man must be James, someone my housemate was seeing who I had never met.

Armed with my new knowledge I went back into the room and switched the light back on. I had been hoping it would rouse him but it did nothing. I walked closer to the bed.

“James, you don’t know me but this is my room. You’re in my bed.”

James really didn’t seem to care. I decided to take things into my own hands and walked to Hannah’s room to demand that she remove him herself. She half woke up, didn’t take in a word I was saying and giggled herself back to sleep.

While walking back to my room in defeat, I decided this moment was too ridiculous for anyone to believe me the next morning and that I should snapchat it. I pointed my phone at the sleeping boy, pressed the circle at the bottom of the screen, and then the flash went off.

“Oops I switched my torch on!” I shrieked as he squinted up at me, probably temporarily blinded from the sudden burst of light I had just aimed directly in his face. “You’re in the wrong room, Hannah’s room is down the hall. Go down the hall!”

I kept moaning at him until he finally got sick of me and threw back the duvet cover and got out of my bed. I don’t know what I had been expecting up until this point, but this was the moment I realised he was completely naked and also 6ft 6.

After he left I had a moment of silence to contemplate the absurdity of the situation I had just experienced and also to mourn my sheets and then I stripped my bed. I had gone out with clean sheets and I was going to go to bed with clean sheets, even if it was now nearly 4:30am. Finally perched on the end of my clean once more bed, I settled down to whatever enjoyment I could salvage from my now very cold toast. Then the door started creeping open.

“No,” I said sternly, like I was talking to a naughty puppy. “Down the hall!”

It worked. The door slowly closed. I was victorious.

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