The first time I ever kissed another girl in a bar I saw a bright light. Unfortunately it wasn’t a visual representation of my own lesbianism dawning upon me; they were camera flashes. Men had decided that my expression of my sexuality needed to be documented for their own future consumption. This was my first experience of lesbophobia.
I know all too well that I always experience misogyny and homophobia in tandem when the same guys are jacking off to ‘lesbian’ porn with one hand and dismissing my sexuality as a waste with the other. From their perspective, a woman’s worth is entirely dependent on her sexual availability to men. This unfortunate cocktail of homophobia and sexism is most commonly known as lesbophobia - and it’s something far too many women have experienced.
There is something almost inherently radical about living a life that needn’t include men, especially when women are so frequently expected to make themselves available to men as a sexual and emotional resource. As vlogger Feargha Clear Keena explains:
“Obviously a lot of lesbophobia comes from the same place as homophobia, but I think there’s something particularly ‘radical’ about being someone in a very male-centric world who is neither a man or attracted to men. Like, lots of lesbians have male friends or sons or brothers or whatever, but in theory we don’t have to invest anything in men and I think that confuses people. […] we live in a world where on some level everything is supposed to be about men, and we’ve rejected that”.
Feargha went on to say:
“The sexualisation of lesbian sexuality is horrible. It can be really hard for anyone who isn’t straight/cis to be comfortable in their sexuality. Constantly being told by various media outlets that your sexuality is like a performance for men is really gross.”
Lesbian sexuality is frequently served up as something for male consumption and enjoyment. Women kissing each other in clubs are assumed to be only doing it for the titillation of the surrounding men, and the performance of lesbianism is viewed as something to be commodified for men to consume. Female gays come prepackaged for the male gaze.
When lesbians are not being sexualised we are most often framed as completely unappealing. People make caricatures of lesbians, presenting us as little more than ugly and undesirable stereotypes. Feargha agrees, stating that:
“I think it [people insulting lesbians] goes back to the idea that women couldn’t possibly have rejected men, so men must’ve rejected women first. That’s where the whole “but you’re too pretty to be lesbian” comes from. They’re really saying ‘but you’re good enough for men! You don’t have to date women instead’.”
Stonewall Young Campaigner, Ellen Jones, acknowledges that lesbophobia usually comes from a place rooted in men’s sense of entitlement towards women’s time and bodies:
“Lesbophobia is distinct from homophobia in the sense that it is very much weighted in sexism. It’s weighted in the expectation that women ought to behave in a certain way. Men expect women to be available to them. When a woman refuses him in any way (not just in relationships), it is seen as an attack against him. […] I think that biphobia is often weighted in the incorrect belief that bisexuality doesn’t really exist. With lesbophobia, I think people believe in the existence of lesbianism but dislike what that means.”
Eleanor Thomas describes lesbophobia as being “specifically targeted towards… people who both aren’t men and don’t like men”. She went on to explain:
“I think it’s especially separate because men have no way in there, if you know what I mean. They can’t be lesbians… and they can’t have sex with lesbians. Obviously people who aren’t men can be lesbophobic & I think that comes back to not being attracted to men, because as a society we’re happy to accept that people will be attracted to men. I think bi girls can experience misdirected lesbophobia, but I’d definitely frame it as prejudice against women who don’t fancy men. […] all sexualities are viewed in relation to men and it’s like if a man can’t be involved in the sex then it’s obviously for him to watch and enjoy. Men are inescapable.”
The reality is that it’s nearly impossible to live a life that doesn’t involve men. Men are frustratingly ever-present, even when you’re not attracted to them. People struggle to conceptualise how anybody might possibly have a fulfilling sexual or romantic life without men. As a lesbian, people often weaponise my sexuality against me. They either sexualise me or tell me all the ways that I’m completely repulsive, both of which feel completely dehumanising.
All I want is to be a woman and to authentically love and desire other women without feeling like my existence is inviting spectacle or commentary.
