TW: explicit discussion of sexual assault.
The first time I experienced penetrative sex, it was rape. This is the first time ever I have been able to type that sentence using the ‘R’ word. I have yet to say it out loud.
I was in a relationship with a boy that I should have broken up with long before this had the chance to occur. He was emotionally manipulative, neglectful of my feelings and lied to me on multiple occasions, about everything from the fact that he had started smoking again to denying that he had told his friends some of my personal secrets.
I was sixteen when we started dating, and seventeen when it happened. Sexually I was completely inexperienced, and he was my first relationship. Whenever things between us got ‘intimate’, I would generally push back a little, unsure about whether I really wanted him to be touching me the way he was. There was a lot of coaxing, a lot of persuading going on. Unfortunately, I didn’t see this as a red flag. The relationship continued.
Just before it happened, I was saying “no, don’t”. He was saying, “I won’t. There was a repetitive back and forth. And then it happened.
At the time, I did not consider this rape (and as I said, to this day I struggle a great deal to associate that particular word with what happened to me). I told myself that I had wanted it, and I took myself home on the bus afterwards. The relationship continued. We continued to have sex, oftentimes with me initiating as a way to prove to myself that I had wanted it in the first place.
“It was only a couple of months after we split that I finally began to acknowledge that something had been very, very wrong.”
When we did break up several months later, I did it for separate reasons to the assault; I realised that I didn’t want to be with him, full stop. It was only a couple of months after we split that I finally began to acknowledge that something had been very, very wrong. Whenever my friends would make jokes about sex, I would feel my chest start to tighten. The thought of letting anyone else touch me that way terrified me. I began having panic attacks and breaking down in the middle of college. I finally admitted to my friends what had happened, and began the long, slow process of recovering.
As part of this recovery, I was deliberately celibate for a period of three years. I simply did not feel comfortable with the idea of sleeping with people, even though after some time I was okay with non-penetrative sex - what I considered to be foreplay. I began university, and had amorous relationships with people that, thankfully, completely respected what I did and did not want to do. I was able to enjoy sexual experiences without having penetrative sex, despite having felt at one time that I would never let another person touch me again.
“I couldn’t let him put his arms around me. I couldn’t bear to feel confined.”
There was one incident during this time that brought what had happened to me crashing back. I was with someone I trusted, someone that was fine with us not sleeping together despite us doing other things. Suddenly I found myself overwhelmed with how intense things were getting, and I asked him to stop what he was doing. Maybe it was because he hadn’t heard me properly, and maybe he was just a bit carried away. For whatever reason, he didn’t stop straight away. And I panicked.
I pushed him off and started hyperventilating, on the verge of tears. He was instantly apologetic, and honestly horrified with himself for not stopping immediately (I have no doubt that, even without me freaking out, he would have stopped after I told him a second time). He genuinely seemed almost as upset as I was, and tried to comfort me… but I couldn’t let him put his arms around me. I couldn’t bear to feel confined. We sat on his bed a few feet apart and held hands until I calmed down.
It was another couple of years after this incident that I finally felt comfortable enough to become what I considered fully sexually active again. And although it had taken some time for me to reach this point, I feel like it was necessary for my recovery. I was lucky in that I was able to enjoy myself in-between time, and that I was with partners who respected my right to draw a line in what happened between us.
“Make sure you are with someone who will support you, and not try to make you feel guilty because you’re not quite ready yet.”
To other survivors of sexual assault, I want to say that you deal with your relationship to sex after your experience in whatever way you are comfortable with. If it takes you years to feel safe with another person, you absolutely take that time. If you feel the need to experience a positive sexual experience almost straight away, that’s also completely fine. You might find it helpful talk to someone you trust, like a friend or family member, or check out the resources at the end of the article if you’d prefer to speak to someone more anonymously.
To anyone that is currently experiencing that limbo between sexual assault and your next sexual experience – I hear you. It’s difficult, and can feel as though you’re letting what happened control your life. You feel as though you want to replace your last, negative experience with something good, but at the same time you don’t feel comfortable being that vulnerable with someone else. For me, I deliberately only entered into sexual relationships with people I trusted, and who I knew respected me and my decision. That would be my advice to anyone who wants to be able to enjoy sex again, but is nervous about how it might make you feel. Make sure you are with someone who will not only stop when asked, but who will support you and not try to make you feel guilty because you’re not quite ready yet.
You can absolutely have a healthy, happy sex life after experiencing assault. It just may take some time.
Resources
Survivor’s UK: Male Rape & Sexual Assault
Editors Note: The author of this piece has chosen to remain anonymous. If you have questions for her or want to message her, you can email [email protected]. Messages will be passed over at the discretion of the editor, and replies are not guaranteed.
